"I've Seen Some Shit" is a new column that shares stories from people with interesting professions. Want to participate? Reach out on Twitter.
Strip clubs can be strange places. The dancers who work there frequently get mind-boggling requests from thirsty clients, rich celebrities accustomed to getting their way, and curious partners looking to spruce up a marriage. You need thick skin and the gift of gab to deal with the advances received on a nightly basis.
Vanity Reign is an exotic dancer in the tri-state area, working mainly in north New Jersey. She could sell fire in hell, is a known thirst trap artist, and is fundamentally about her money. She's dealt with overeager Uber drivers, horndogs incapable of even basic hygiene, married couples looking for threesomes, and other dubious customers. This is the shit she's seen.
The trouble with Uber drivers...
"I was coming from New York and figured maybe [the Uber driver] could be a new customer, so I started a conversation. I put on my Vanity Reign voice and said, 'Show me how freaky you can get.' He started playing with his dick with one hand, and I told him to pull over because I didn't want him jerking off while he was driving. I was in the backseat hyping him up, telling him that I wanted see him come on himself. After he did I gave him my Instagram and my number and told him to check me out at the club.
"He eventually became a stalker because I think he felt special after that ride. He didn't even want to come to the club to see me, he wanted a relationship. I have him in my phone as 'Stalker Uber Driver.'"
Some dudes come in smelling nasty...
"I call these guys 'The Stinky Dick Crew' because they come to the club in sweatpants, smelling funky. One time two guys came through and I was dancing on one and talking to the other to try and double my tips. The dude's breath was so bad I felt disrespected. I wanted to get security to kick him out because his breath was violating my space. So, I went to the bathroom to put some perfume on my afro so his breath wouldn't ruin it. And get this: they left for a little and came back with the same breath. So I'm trying to put it all together, like did they eat the same fishy box? When I gave one a lap dance I felt dry cum on his sweats scratching my leg. I had to cut it short because I was gonna put my hands on both of them. I had to go to the locker room to wash my body."
This one dude comes in with a condom already on...
"He would smell like hot, sweaty sex as soon as he walked in, just plastic and funky balls. Lap dances would make him catch an orgasm, but instead of making a spill and getting kicked out, he'd be already strapped up, making it easier to clean up in the bathroom. His lap dances used to hurt so bad—his boner felt like a Febreze bottle—but he gave a big tip. Still, I had to start avoiding him. It wasn't worth the stress."
Customers want to pay for girlfriends...
"It's a fantasy to them. Guys want to change my life, say that they don't want me dancing, blah, blah, blah. Dudes come in, their pregnant wives blowing up their phones during lap dances, and they're complaining about their girls. They want us to be their superficial girlfriends. They want to live out a dream of being with a dancer or a porn star. They tip big, thinking that we would maybe give them a chance. That's why most dancers are single—these guys come in with wedding rings and stories about how they can't stand their girls and their kids. We're like therapists. Sometimes we get paid to listen to their problems and dirty fantasies. I have to be more careful, though.
"Once I gave a big tipper my number so I could get him to come back, and a couple days later I got a call from an unknown number. It was his pregnant wife. I played it off like I met him at a regular club because I didn't want a pregnant woman to come to the strip club wanting to fight me."
Some customers get jealous...
"Three guys came in at the same time and all sat next to each other. I didn't know how to entertain each one and the vibe got awkward, so I had to throw my friends in the mix. You can't have all your customers there at the same time. Some of them get jealous, territorial, and all emotional. Recently, I had this young dude and he thought, since he's been spending money on me that I owed him sex. He told me, 'I've been coming and spending money on you for the last couple of months, it's time for us to have sex.' I asked him what kind of profession he thought I was in. Our job is to entice guys and he felt like the enticing was over and it was time for me to give the buns up.
"Some of these guys are wrecks. Like, get out of your feelings, stop being so emotional."
