What To Spend Money On

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I don’t know anything about bitcoin, but you definitely need to buy the fuck out of these shits. Just take your life savings, put all your eggs in one basket, and sit back while the $50 you would have spent on Just Salad this week gets multiplied 50 times, or whatever bitcoin does. You count the profits while the internet does all the work for you. That’s how it works, right? Brilliant.

Congratulations, you did it! You finally graduated with that liberal arts degree! The world is your oyster—and by the world, I mean the roughly four blocks between your apartment and that neighborhood you probably shouldn’t walk around alone in unless you’re buying drugs.

Seriously though, you better do something about that crippling debt before things get so bad you need to supplement your income writing listicles.

Living directly above a 24-hour diner probably isn’t the best look if you’re trying to get laid. Then again, sex with you might smells a lot like bacon grease anyway, so maybe your partners won’t notice.

Cars break down all the time and every mechanic on the planet is a snake oil peddling highway robber. Since you’re inevitably going to have to pay a shitload of money, you might want to set a little aside in advance for this kind of situation. Or you could buy a 32-inch subwoofer for your 1999 Mitsubishi Lancer—you do you, bro.

No one really "likes" condoms, but you know what’s worse than a condom? STD's. Also: You. Just look at yourself. Do you really want a bunch of little you’s running around throwing up everywhere and saying obnoxious garbage that everyone pretends is funny just so its feelings don’t get hurt? Yeah, think about that next time you repeat that line from Billy Madison for the 1000th time. Plus, kids are expensive, and you know, we're trying to get your money in line here.

I don’t understand for the life of me why people spend so much money on gym memberships. Put on a pair of running shoes, go outside, and the whole entire world is your Equinox. The only membership cost is the potential to be crippled for life when you get run over by a car. Small price to pay, I say.

If stocks aren’t your thing, real estate investments are always an option. Just think, the next time somebody asks you what you do, you could say, “I invest in real estate in my spare time.” I mean, I guess you could make money with this, too, or whatever.

If you’re on a first name basis with the waitresses at Applebee’s, it’s probably time to think about trying something a little classier. Pommes frites? Don’t mind if I do. (They’re just French fries that come in a fancy little cone, but don’t let that stop you from sticking your pinky out like you’re on Downton Abbey).

What’s the point of having nice gear if you don’t have the money to go show it off at a bar or club? While you’re there, you may want to pay for drinks for girls who have absolutely no intention of ever talking to you again. If you don’t budget your cash well, you might not have anything left to pay for your own.

There’s nothing better than being right where all the action is when your favorite team beats the shit out of their opponent. Or if they lose, you can just get blasted on $12 Bud Lights until the guy sitting in front of you turns around and politely asks you to please stop cursing in front of his kid.

Alright fellas, time to finally get rid of that Scarface poster (it really wasn’t that cool back in the quad, either). I know Al Pacino is the man, but maybe you could buy a really classy, black and white framed photo of him instead. Or, if you’re feeling a little adventurous, you could buy some sort of abstract art for your friends to compliment, and then secretly make fun of when you go to the bathroom.

The only real way to watch films is on the big screen. Could you imagine watching the cinematic experience that is Scarface on your laptop? Have some respect for the medium, dude. Hold up, movie tickets are thirteen dollars? Well, in that case, maybe you should invest in…

Although, let’s face it, you’re probably already mooching off somebody else’s account anyway.

This is probably the one item on this list that people tend to overlook. But let’s face it, you spend one third of your life in bed and a good portion of that third you spend actually sleeping instead of trying to masturbate quietly so your roommate can’t hear. And once you descend into seasonal depression augmented by your total inability to form meaningful relationships with others, your time in bed will only increase. So invest in a nice mattress.

Obviously, not a dog or a cat. Let’s be honest here, you can barely feed and bathe yourself. Maybe a nice fish?

Do people keep telling you you’re stupid? It might be because you are, dummy. So, go read a damn book.

Whether it’s seeing a live sex show in Tijuana, taking a sequence of mystery drugs in a Berlin nightclub, or having ping pong balls launched toward your face in a crowded Bangkok bar, you want to do it while you’re young. Those situations get super awkward when you’ve got your kids with you.

I think we've determined that you can't be trusted with cash, so you should probably just give it away, if we're being honest.