It’s the selfie that heard ‘round the world. BulgeGate hit an apex last night, when Justin Bieber posted an Instagram photo in response to the Photoshopped bulge controversy that’s been plaguing his sense of manhood for the past week. Accompanied with a caption reading “Photoshop lol,” the photo depicts the towel-clad lad sporting a sizeable chub, obscured only by folds of white terrycloth. It’s something that literally no one needed in their life, but is now impossible to unsee. A moment of silence for all decency, please.
In response to Beiber’s response, we’re calling bullshit on this fluffed-up ego play. It’s time to blow the scandal wide open. Buckling to the pressures of modern masculinity, it’s our assertion that Justin Bieber stuffed his towel to enhance his package without the aid of Photoshop. This still begs one question, however: what’s REALLY behind Justin Bieber’s towel? Complex Canada investigated the matter, and here are our theories.
1. A Roll Of Toonies
2. An Eggplant
3. Tim Horton’s Cup
Any good ol’ Canadian boy has Tim Horton’s coffee coursing through his veins. Let’s hope he accounted for spillage.
4. Selena Gomez
5. His Abandoned Monkey
6. A Chastity Belt
7. Jennifer Aniston’s Oscar
We thought it was an Oscar snub, but all along it was an Oscar chub.
8. The Missing Sock From Your Last Load Of Laundry
9. Tupac
Be on the lookout for Pac’s 42nd full-length album, Res-erection 2: I Live On Bieber’s Dick Now.
10. A Bong
Don’t be a narc, man.
