15 Twitter Jokes We Can Retire Now

Image via Complex Original

There has to have been a time when his joke was funny, right? Maybe back in the 1960s this felt like a fresh and fun way to inform people that the statement you just made in the affirmative is actually meant as a negative. If there ever was a time when adding "... said no one ever" to the end of a sentence was a delightful subversion of expectations, those days are long over.

In other words: this is a really good Twitter joke, said no one ever.

There is a strange fascination among Twitter users with the idea that you can be over eighteen and not conform to your rigid, imagined expectations of adulthood. You can be an adult and eat ice cream for breakfast, wear goofy pajama pants, watch cartoons, and really, do whatever you want.

Really, the only true sign of adulthood is that you don't tell us about it on Twitter.

Go Home joke about things going home because they're drunk. You're Drunk!

Here's a thought: if you don't like the topic of conversation on Twitter, sign off of Twitter. We all have those Tweeters in our feed that absolutely need to complain about every event that is making others happy. Football's on? They hate on sports. Scandal's on? Time to bitch about melodrama. Vice-Presidential debate's on? Time to snark about the meaninglessness of politics. Not only is hating on what's popular not very nice. It's also not very funny.

Busy baristas spelled your name incorrectly after hearing it only once in a crowded coffee shop as they were working diligently to complete your five syllable coffee-based drink order as efficiently as possible? Time to get indignant.

How? How is this still a thing? As of press time, that incredibly lame @AmazonDrone account had just tweeted the Chuck Norris joke above (after announcing his "retirement"). You aren't telling many other jokes that killed at the middle school lunch table, so maybe it is time to give the Walker, Texas Ranger references a rest as well.

Whenever a Kardashian comes up in the conversation, which is a shockingly high percentage of the time, it is required by law that someone mention Kim's sex tape. In fact, in any given conversation at any given point on the Internet, there is a ten percent chance that the sex tape will be mentioned. This sex tape was released in February of 2007. We are coming up on the seventh anniversary of the most beloved and most maligned sex tape in history. It may just be time to put these jokes to rest.

For a while, the Twitter twists on that ubiquitous "Hope, Jobs, Cash" joke were inspired. Weird Twitter used the truly stupid joke-meme to create some of the most beautifully absurd statements known to the Twitter-sphere. The culmination of this work was the creation of the Katt WilliamsFerrell (@KattWillFerrell) account, a parody of a parody account that used the "Hope, Jobs, Cash" joke as the springboard for its absurdist tweets-as-performance-art. All good things must come to an end; now the Tweeters who once used the original joke in earnest are attempting to parody it with awful results. @KattWillFerrell has moved on, and so should we all.

One of the most depressing things about the Internet is that we have collectively decided to find typos funny. We're pretty sure that dozens of fortunes have been made aggregating auto-correct fails on websites with names like autocorrectlolz.net. Unless your idea of hilarity is sitting around and correcting middle school essays for typos, you really shouldn't find autocorrect fails that funny. We know you meant to type "duck;" we get it. It's time to improve the accuracy of your typing and move on.

Unlike you, Jon Cryer has legitimate comedy bona fides. That didn't stop him from jumping in on the same tired Twitter games as everybody else as the Fifty Shades of Grey casting rumor mill churned. It seems that whenever a film is announced, the Twitterati race to make a joke about who should be cast in the film. Phillip Seymour Hoffman or Judi Dench as Spider-Man? Lolz! Though the actual casting decisions may end up giving us a laugh, jokes like this certainly never will.

What began as a somewhat charming, if strange, RiFF RaFF idiosyncrasy has become one of the most tired joke moves on the Internet. It's easy to see the humor in juxtaposing the phrase "rap game," which brings to mind images of toughness with "pumpkin spice latté" or "super comfy quilts" or some similarly wussy imagery. We've had whatever laughs can be squeezed out of this well-trod ground and it is now officially time to move on.

Don't get it twisted, making fun of people who use "#blessed" in earnest should be a national pastime. As brilliant tweeter Lauren Ashley Bishop (@sbellelauren) recently wrote, "If your friend uses #blessed unironically it's just a mercy killing when you shiv her." That doesn't mean that when your computer crashes or you spill that pricey cappuccino all over your fresh slacks you need to let us know with this hashtag. Petty complaints don't become magically less petty with hashtag application. Let's all agree to walk away from #blessed and pretend that it never existed.

Trolling Tea Partiers is and should be a national pastime. Some of the best and strangest political satire happens on Twitter courtesy of the likes of Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) and Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen), but simply putting "Thanks, Obama" at the end of a random statement does not make you Jonathan Swift. Don't stop mocking the Ted Cruzes and Michelle Bachmanns of the world; just maybe attempt to do it a little more creatively.

The insincere memorializing of celebrities on Twitter is hard to take. It is amazing how many of our high school classmates had such a deep connection to Paul Walker, Nelson Mandela, and the dog from Family Guy. Digital crocodile tears are annoying, but that doesn't mean that flippantly dismissing an actual human being's death is the right move either. The only time that joking about someone's death is acceptable is if you are aiming for a heartfelt moment of levity in the middle of a delivering a dear friend's eulogy. Don't worry, you aren't going to miss out on landing a comedy agent because you decided not to be the 4,756th person to tweet the same "2Fast 2Soon" joke.

After the Daniel Tosh rape joke controversy of 2012, Twitter (most of it anyway) decided that rape jokes weren't okay. This decision was a good one and long overdue. Unfortunately, this gave rise to jokes about rape jokes. For the last year or so, Twitter comedians have taken to skewering our politically correct culture by talking about rape jokes with a wink and a nod. Not only is this sort of meta-commentary usually not funny at all, but such tweets still qualify as rape jokes. After all, they are still about rape, even if you've added a layer of abstraction. If you've got anything resembling a joke in your drafts folder with the word "rape" anywhere in there, go ahead and delete it. If you're actually clever, you can surely find something else to be clever about.