Two types of people really creep me out.
People who order vanilla ice cream at Baskin Robbins and people who pick Mario playing Mario Sports.
Sure, Mario’s a fine option—if you’re a regular at Applebee’s. He’s a decent, dependable all-around player. But would you really use a Toyota Corolla playing Gran Turismo?
Mario Kart gives you a chance to put a dragon behind the wheel. Mario Tennis brings a gorilla to the court. And Super Smash Bros. drops an under-evolved pink balloon into battle. How could anyone choose an overweight Italian with average height, speed, and strength to virtually represent them? What kind of sick freak goes with the logical choice for a race on a rainbow?
Mario’s the host of the party. Not a participant. He’s that guy in high school you put up with because he’s the first one who can actually drive. He’s fun to hang out with, but you’d never want to be him.
Mario’s the host of the party. Not a participant. He’s that guy in high school you put up with because he’s the first one who can actually drive. He’s fun to hang out with, but you’d never want to be him.
If you insist on choosing Mario though, here’s how bad you’ll look behind the guy who’s Boo:
Mario Kart-N64
This is the only somewhat reasonable decision of the bunch.
I’ve been there before. You and a few friends are laying low, slamming Mountain Dew Code Red, and watching WWE's “Greatest Cage Matches,” on Netflix. Eventually, talks shift to dusting off the ol’ 64. You call dibs the rumble pack and atomic purple controller, so you get the last pick in the Driver Draft.
You hope for Yoshi, but he/she drops off the board with the first pick.
“Toad, baby. You’re my man," you think.
Nope. He’s not your man. He’s selected second. You start to panic at this point. Then you see him. Luigi.
Luigi reminds you of the kind of guy who drinks Samuel Adams because he’s into “craft beers.” But at least he’s not into Keystone Light. Luigi actually looks somewhat respectable in the passing lane.
Annnnnnd he’s selected third. You’re left with Peach, DK, Wario, Bowser, and Mario.
If you’re serious about winning; DK, Wario, and Bowser are already off the table. They’re the big bad slow guys who can never recover from a red shell.
That leaves Mario and Peach. You’re wary of that stereotype about women being poor drivers, so you hover over Mario. Then you look back at Peach, and start an internal argument with yourself.
“Peach? Really, man? Peach is that girl who orders skinny vanilla lattes. Peach buys OneRepublic albums on iTunes. Peach doesn’t want to be the next great racer. She wants to be the next great coupon-er."
Don’t listen to yourself. You should pick Peach. For three reasons:
1.) Peach gives you an out if you lose.
Example excuse: “Dude, I was Peach. Peach never wins, unless it’s Koopa Troopa Beach and you hit that one tunnel. Let’s run it back."
2.) Peach gives you big time bragging rights if you win.
Example brag: “Dude, I was Peach. You had almighty Yoshi. And I beat you with Peach. Kiss the crown.”
3.) Peach gives you higher odds at a star draw.
This is hotly debated, but whenever I’m Peach I seem to land more stars. Maybe it’s because I trail a lot with her. Who knows. It’s worth mentioning though.
Either way, the princess is still a better option than Mario. I might understand using him if you’re in a pinch. If you really need a win. Maybe.
Mario Tennis-N64
Show me a man who chooses Mario playing Mario Tennis and I’ll show you a man who keeps that clear plastic stuff around his television.
You might lean toward Mario as a first-time player given his safe “All-Around" title. But you shouldn't use him after that. At very least, call on Luigi’s underrated persona and wingspan.
For the seasoned Mario Tennis player, Mario isn’t even an option. Every vet knows what kind of player they are. Personally, I use Yoshi’s speed for singles and Donkey Kong’s powerful net play as a doubles partner. I’ve also faced some talented competitors who lean on Boo’s tricky skillset.
If you want to be taken seriously in your next Mario Tennis tournament, avoid the man in the red hat at all costs. Who plays tennis in overalls anyways?
Super Smash Bros.-N64
Super Smash Bros. has the most diverse cast of characters of the three games mentioned. There’s absolutely no excuse to select Mario here. Unless you want to create some sort of “Mario vs. Luigi” bro battle or “Mario vs DK” retro bash, Mario shouldn’t even be in the conversation.
This is a game that could potentially put Fox, Samus, Link, and Jigglypuff in the same arena. Everyone loves Jigglypuff. Jigglypuff is pink, soft, and sings. And his name is Jigglypuff. How could you not pick a character named Jigglypuff?
Pikachu, Kirby, and Captain Falcon are also options. This is a top shelf player selection screen. Choosing Mario is an irresponsible decision at best.
Choose Mario IF AND ONLY IF you want to weird your friends out the next time you pop in Super Smash Bros. Or any other Mario Sports game for that matter.
