Today on her personal Instagram account, reality television star Kim Kardashian hinted at the release of a forthcoming video game starring herself. Two photos—one featuring Kardashian in a studio providing voice over work, another depicting the animated version of Kardashian—were published to her account. Their captions read, "Sneak peek from my upcoming project! Super excited about this! #KimKardashianGame," as well as, "Excited about this new project #ComingSoon#KimKardashianGame."
God save us all.
Little is known about the project other than the photos Kardashian has provided—a platform and publisher remains unannounced. But, of course, speculation is running wild. What can we expect from Kardashian's forthcoming title? Will it be a bloody, hard-boiled thriller in the mold of Hideo Kojima's Metal Gear Solid series, or will she play the role of a young, female hero, helping to reverse the outdated gender binaries of the gaming world? Will Kanye be featured at all? And if so, will it be the same virtual Yeezy we met in the video for "Black Skinhead"?
Questions abound, and while we have no answers, we've taken the time to come up with a few theories of our own:
- The title will be a Farmville-esque browser game that will charge players with maintaining an ever-dwindling crop of brand ambassadors to bump your new celebrity fragrance.
- In an effort to teach Kim the value of a hard day's work, the game will see Kardashian employed as the last bathroom attendant at the soon-to-be-closed Planet Hollywood.
- Taking a cue from BioShock Infinite, the game will see Kim wrestle with the weighty issues of fate, religion, race, and pre-determination as she waits in line to have her asshole bleached.
- The game will be a turn-based strategy title in the same vein as StarCraft that will force Kim to allocate resources and occasionally force a nip slip to remain relevant.
- In a well-meaning attempt to educate her substantial following, Kim will release School is in Session with Kim Kardashian, an educational video game series wherein Kim will describe and explain the nuances of fun, sexy topics like quantum mechanics, string theory, and Riemannian geometry.
- Catching the wave of zombie survival titles, Kim will be stuck in Hollywood after an infestation of the undead has started to wreck havoc on the city. With Kanye on tour, Kim is tasked with fending off the invading monsters and protecting North. Be careful not to confuse the frantic agents and personal brand advisers with flesh-eating zombies!
- A classic side-scroller that finds Kim navigating the hungry streets of Los Angeles after her limousine has broken down on the way to Kanye's show at the Staples Center. Predatory paparazzi, obsessive fans, and sad, pathetic autograph hunters all stand in the way of you making it to the concert. Watch out for the final boss: a psychotic Bruce Jenner, finally driven to insanity by a combination of Kris' repeated humiliations and a nose job that has left him horribly deformed.
We can only hope.
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