A couple weeks ago, I went to go see the Poltergeist reboot on opening night, which, of course, ended up being a terrible idea. You'd think remakes would be easy 'cause you just follow the same formula, but then people try to do crazy stuff with technology to 'modernize' it and you get little boys flying drones into ghost dimensions.
1.
Fortunately for all of us (read: me), there was one beacon of light in this hellhole of a movie, and that was Hot Dad Sam Rockwell. Now give me a minute while I fan myself because I've been in love with Sam Rockwell since 2000, when he played Eric Knox in Charlie's Angels and moonwalked his way straight into my heart. (And then he moonwalked again in Iron Man 2, because I guess he's really good at it and directors are just like, 'Do it Sam, do it! Moonwalk for us!') In Poltergeist, Rockwell embodies not only Hot Dad, but Cool Dad, the kind who always wears flannel and is down to order pizza every night. I feel like he's also the type of dad who's always eating cheese puffs, but maybe I'm mixing up my Sam Rockwell movies.
2.
I have a real problem with shitty horror movies: I know they're gonna be horrible going into them, but I can't stop, won't stop. And if there's a hot dad involved, THERE'S NO GOING BACK FOR ME. (P.S. Father fetishes are totally normal to talk about now, shouts out to dadbod.)
… Which brings me to Insidious: Chapter 3, an undoubtedly terrible movie I will absolutely watch when it comes out this Friday. The first Insidious was actually pretty good (honestly, the only Poltergeist remake we needed) but the second one was a pile of trash, minus its one redeeming quality: Hot Dad Patrick Wilson, who weirdly got hotter as he grew more evil. Like somehow the demon possession gave him this sexy edge. I watched both Insidious movies with my friend Steven who couldn't shut up about how much he wanted to "lick his receding hairline," which is probably the weirdest and best dad compliment one could give. (Stray thought: Patrick Wilson is, like, the older, thinner, balder Chris Pratt, yeah?)
3.
As with most origin story prequels, Insidious 3 is going to be one hell of a shitshow, but since Dermot Mulroney is in it as the new resident Hot Dad of the franchise, it's ALSO going to be a swoonfest. I suspect he's just going to run around the house in various generic Hanes shirts, yelling "BRING MY DAUGHTER BACK!" and honestly that's good enough for me. (THAT LIP SCAR THOUGH.)
4.
Insidious and The Conjuring may have solidified Patrick Wilson as the Hot Dad of scary movies, let's not forget the other horror hottie, Ethan Hawke, who's basically become Hollywood's go-to Hot Dad, period.
Sinister was probably Ethan Hawke's career low, but weirdly his hotness peak (IS THIS A HOT TAKE?), and those conflicting feelings while watching it were almost too much to bear. It's definitely an indefensibly bad movie though (I still get mad thinking about the fact that I spent my birthday watching this). But! Ethan Hawke as a cardigan-wearing dad? I MEAAAAAN.
5.
A totally unnecessary Sinister sequel comes out this summer, and there's no Ethan Hawke in it (or even a replacement Hot Dad, it seems?), so I don't even see the point of it, but... Hopefully they're going to use it as a chance to redeem whatever rubbish Sinister was.
The following summer, Ethan Hawke starred in The Purge (which you may say is bad, but I say is the best horror movie franchise of this decade; how is there no Purge 3 this summer, what will I do with myself, etc.). He plays a rich dad on hype survival mode, and I honestly don't know how you can go wrong with that.
6.
Though summertime is usually littered with terrible horror flicks, I'll be fine as long as there's a Hot Dad or two. Because every garbage film needs eye candy.
