The Hate-Watching Highlights of 'True Detective' Season Two

Before you jump down my throat and pull my teeth out for this headline, let me just say that I think I actually like season two of True Detective, which ends tonight, more than anyone else here at Complex HQ. It's hard to explain, but this season has an odd flair that I find pretty entrancing. For better or worse, it's certainly its own thing, and creator Nic Pizzolatto clearly doesn't care if you're down with it or not. Say what you will about a line like, "I used to wanna be an astronaut. But astronauts don't even go to the moon anymore," but you have to admit it takes balls to write that, and then keep it in there after a round of edits.

But none of this is to say that True Detective is a good show. I like it, but it's actually pretty bad. Season two lacks subtlety to a shocking degree; they forced Vince Vaughn to tone down his signature characteristic, his charisma, and he's drowning without it; and it took seven entire episodes for the plot to unravel and become clear on a basic level, which seems like a big problem for an eight-episode miniseries. It's very possible that the first season of True Detective was this bad, and that Nic P's bear-shaped aura was always prestige TV poison, but season one had Matthew McConaughey to sell the writing and director Cary Fukunaga to unify the story and likely stamp down some of Pizzolatto's more defective instincts. McConaughey and Fukunaga ain't here no more.

So to me, True Detective season two is what it is—a super self-serious show with great and not-great acting and occasional bright spots that can be unbelievably fun to laugh at. If you want to redefine that description as "perfect for hate-watching," I'm not going to stop you. (You could also just call it "fun," if you're a kinder person.) In fact, I'm going to encourage it by running you through all the great, oftentimes mind-boggling moments in hate-watching this season of True Detective. 

Episode 1 of season two got off to a HOT start. It might be the hate-watchiest episode of the season. Let's go in order:

• Frank's first "Frank" line:

• Followed up by the first "Da fuq does that mean?" reaction shot:

• This is how we're introduced to Ani Bezzerides (Bonus hate-watch material: HER FULL NAME IS ANTIGONE!!!): in a scene depicting the aftermath of her trying to (probably) finger the guy from Motocrossed's butt. He's all like: 

• This is a real table setting in a real human's house. Like, who doesn't have a bowl of milk for naked Asian dolls to float around in!?

• OH HEY, DAVID MORSE WITH A HORRIBLE WIG!

• I now welcome you to the Amazingness of Ray Velcoro. Part One, when Ray hears that his son's LeBrons have been stolen and he immediately assumes they've been shit in. Part Two, when Ray calls his already traumatized son a "fat pussy" and says, "I'll pull down your pants and spank you in front of the fucking cheerleading squad." And Part Three, when Ray goes to his son's tormentor's house (Ass-pen?), beats the shit out of the kid's dad, and then says this:

• To cool off from the altercation (he was just being a CARING FATHER!), Ray meets up with Frank at this really cool bar with really upbeat music. And by upbeat I mean it sounds like actual dying.


• Finally, after about 58 minutes, our main characters meet. Instead of introducing themselves though, they kinda just look at each other:

Oh... Uhh, okay then. Episode over.

Ohh boy. So after kicking things off with a deliciously hate-able episode, Nic P and crew had some CAN'T STOP WON'T STOP momentum, and it definitely carried over into the first scene of episode two, and then some. To recap:

• Frank sees a water spot on the ceiling of his bedroom. It reminds him of a childhood memory. Here—because I hate myself, I transcribed the entire speech:

My old man back in Chicago, as a kid, he used to lock me in the basement when he’d go on a bender. It’d usually last the night, let me out the next day. Thought he was keeping me safe, I guess. This one time, I was six, he puts me down there. I wake up and it’s locked. It had happened before. Anyways, I guess he ended up arrested. I guess. By the second morning, I was out of food. The third day the lightbulb burned out. Pitch black in there. That’s when the rats started coming out. I dozed off and I felt the thing nibbling my finger. I woke up, it was, you know, chewing my finger. I grabbed it, in the dark, with my hands and I started smashing it. And I, you know, I just kept smashing it ’til there was nothing but goo in my hands. Two more days I was in there. In the dark, ’til my dad comes home. Ever since I wonder, what if he never comes home? What if I’m, uh, still in that basement in the dark? What if I died there? That’s what that [water stain] reminds me of.

No lie, this is literally how Frank's wife responds to him in the middle of the speech:

AMEN.

• Rick Springfield, as in "I wish that I had Jesse's girl" Rick Springfield, appears as a plastic surgery-riddled doctor. What's more ridiculous than that though, is his collection of vagina rocks:

Check out Ani totes side-eyeing that vagina rock:

• Gloriously, episode two is also where we get our first instance of slander against e-cigarettes. It's so Nic Pizzolatto of Nic Pizzolatto to villainize e-cigs and then assign his only main female character the defining characteristic that she smokes e-cigarettes instead of the REAL, MANLY, AMERICAN THING. Ray goes off on a whole tangent about e-cigs, but this basically distills how he (and really, Nic P) feels about the things:

• During the first season of True Detective, probably the loudest criticism was about the show's depiction, and utter under-representation, of women. But don't worry, Nic P totally, very subtly addressed those concerns:

I love you, True D. Next episode!

Not too many hate-worthy highlights in this one (the episode-opening dream sequence is actually, wholeheartedly great), which is good, because the first two episodes have us lagging behind. So let's get through this one quick:

• More inexplicable e-cig shade!

• I really like this next highlight, where Ray and Frank argue over who's more apoplectic:

Guysssss, you can both be apoplectic!

• Finally, the third episode was when Nic P really let his arrogant flag fly by throwing some thinly-veiled shade at his former collaborator, Cary Fukunaga. Vulture has an extensive history of the feud between Pizzolatto and Fukunaga, but it more or less boils down to creative differences the two had during the first season of True D. So here's what Nic P does, he writes up the character of a demanding, asshole-ish director (who may participate in horrifically graphic sex parties) and casts this guy:

... a guy who definitely bears no resemblance to this guy:

Did I mention both men have ponytails? This is about as petty as you can get when making a TV show. And it only emphasizes how unaware Nic Pizzolatto is. From season one of True Detective, the one that Fukunaga directed entirely, to season two, there's an obvious drop-off in terms of atmosphere and artistic quality. Fukunaga brought the monsters of the Louisiana bayou to life—and also pulled off one of the most thrilling heist scenes in television history—while season two's horde of directors have really only been able to moodily hover over stretches of highways. The not-at-all subtle shots Pizzolatto took at Fukunaga in this episode are proof that he's never checked his ego and internalized whatever creative differences he had with his once-director. 

We made it to the midway point, where the hits kept coming and the show tried (and failed) to duplicate the most successful moment of the first season:

• "Why aren't my avocado trees growing," Frank asks his gardener. "Are you meaning to tell me these trees are a metaphor for me and my wife's inability to have children? Are you saying we're both...infertile?" This isn't exactly what Frank says in this throwaway scene from the beginning of episode four (what Frank says is actually way more racist), but it might as well have been with the way Nic P beat us over the head with this "symbolism."

• Sinead O'Connor single tear coming in 3...2...1:

• OH MY GOD, DID DAVID MORSE WITH A WIG REALLY JUST STOP MID-CONVERSATION AND SAY THIS!?

Why yes, yes he did. Any reaction to that, Ray?

• Avocados definitely got Frank feeling some type of way this episode, because he hit us with two unbelievable morsels of his brand of wisdom. You should write these down:

• And then came this season's big shootout, the one that was very clearly meant to stand up to season one's six-minute take in the slums. I'm mentioning it here, but only softly, because while some people might define it as a hate-watching highlight, others praised it for being the next coming of Heat, so to each his own. One thing that's not really up for debate is FUCK BYSTANDERS:

...Let's take this party to episode five.

After the shootout, True Detective took a risk that was totally unprecedented—they closed the case and time-jumped. What's that you're saying? The same exact thing happened after the fourth episode of season one of True Detective? Cool, cool. Even though episode five slid into the future, nothing really changed as far as hate-watching goes (I will say though, as the back half of this season has addressed more of the actual plot, its groan-worthy moments have slightly dissipated). Let's get to it:

• 'Sup, mute, Mexican Johnny Depp?

Is this what True Detective thinks Mexicans look like?

• As we've seen, through the first four episodes Frank really said some shit. But nothing can top this:

NIC P IN THA BUILDING!

• Hey look, Ani's about to smoke her e-cig agai—OH MY GOD:

So let me get this straight: for as long as we've known her, Ani smoked an e-cigarette, then she was in a deadly, bystander-slaughtering shootout, and the next time we see her smoke, it's a real cigarette. So that's Nic P's last nail in his e-cigarette coffin—basic bitches smoke e-cigs, and only when those bitches get some hair on their chest are they capable of inhaling from the real thing. I really need to find out which e-cig fucked Nic P's wife.

THE ORGY EPISODE!!!!!! Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself:

• The Ray Velcoro Threat Generator™ is back up and running:

• Parenting 101 With Ray Velcoro, where the only rule is, "Don't ask to watch Friends":

• At least that's better than Parenting 101 With Frank Semyon:

"What, this? No... I pretty much taught myself how to throw a ball against a wall."

• All of this bad-at-being-a-father stuff finally gets to Ray, which leads to a huge hate-watching highlight: Ray's unbelievable bender. I don't wanna spill too much digital ink on it (the whole thing is really a 12-step sequence), but here are the best parts, from coke to rocking out to working out to burning out:

• Alright, it's orgy time. Before the season, The Hollywood Reporter reported that this scene, starring porn stars, would be "deliriously vast." On paper, it appeared that this would be the apex in hate-watching True Detective. And then, it ended up being pretty good? Such a Nic P reverse-troll to deny us that hate-watching glee when we were most expecting it. We did however get one last moment in this episode. After all the madness of the orgy—during which Ani sliced up a dude like cold cuts—and immediately after we see Ani struggling with what she just went through (and the fact that her haunted past finally came back to her), the episode ended with this winner of a line, from Tim Riggins:

Yep...usually how contracts work.

End of the road... I hope you're not all hate-watched out, because we've got a couple more to go over:

• Is Ray gonna take advantage of Ani when she's hopped up on pure molly spray? Nononononono—oh phew:

Such a Ray line.

• Speaking of lines, here's the best one of the series. Somehow though, it was spoken by a character whose name I don't remember, and not by Frank:

So true.

• Alright, so remember like two GIFs ago how I was so relieved that True Detective didn't force their main male and female characters to fuck, just because one's male and one's female? WELP:

Ugh. Why is everything fucking!?!?!?!

• And finally, the last hate-watch highlight of this season's first seven episodes, coming in after the credits, just ahead of the buzzer:

HO. LY. SHIT.

Enjoy the show tonight, friends.