WWE Spoilers: Here’s What Will Actually Happen On Tonight’s Pre-Taped Monday Night Raw

This Monday's Raw was pre-taped and [SPOILER] we have the results!

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Monday Night Raws that take place overseas are always a disappointment for those of us in the States. In the age of the internet and instant spoilers, it is almost impossible to make it to 8PM EST without seeing the big news from the show online. That’s just how it is.

Having said that, this week’s spoilers come in a different form that weeks past (and weeks to come). These are ACTUAL RAW SPOILERS FROM TONIGHT. Repeat: you are not about to read rumors, you are about to read exactly what happens on Raw tonight. If you would like to go in blind, it’s recommended that you A) stop reading here and B) log off Twitter for the next few hours. For the rest of you that would like to skip Raw in order to do literally anything else, here you go.



  • John Cena defeats Bad News Barrett as part of his United States Title open challenge gimmick. Disregard the fact that BNB has a scheduled Intercontinental Title rematch at Extreme Rules. Apparently, the crowd was hot for their native son, and Barrett apparently hung in there with Mr. BRRRAPADOO, but as is wont to happen in WWE, Cenawinslol. After the match, Rusev attacked Cena to set up their match at Extreme Rules, which Lana announced as a Russian Chain Match. What’s a Russian Chain Match? No idea, but, giving WWE’s PG nature, it will probably be more like a Russian Bike Lock Match.




  • Paige won the Divas Battle Royal to become the new #1 contender for the WWE Divas championship. “Whoops!” - every dirtsheet that was reporting that Naomi was going to win this as part of a huge push. It should perhaps not surprise anyone that England’s Own Hot Topic Goth won in her homeland, but do we really need to see Paige vs. Nikki Bella again? Actually, given the state of the Divas division, we should be counting our blessings. That being said……..Naomi attacked Paige after the match during an in-ring interview, so who even knows what’s going on? Maybe the push is still on, or maybe someone activated the “HEEL TURN NOW” chip in Naomi’s brain, a la Big Show and Alicia Fox.




  • Big Show and Roman Reigns continued to set up the match no one cares about. Reigns said he would shove the Andre the Giant trophy down Big Show’s throat, which is cool, but he also called Show a “giant bitch,” so we’re back to square one. Later in the show, the Giant chokeslammed Roman on top (not through) a taxicab that happened to be on the stage because London.




  • Lucha Dragons defeated the Ascension. LU-CHA LU-CHA LU-CHA. This match sucked in NXT and given the three-minute duration on Raw tonight, we can imagine it sucked there too.




  • Randy Orton defeated Cesaro by DQ. This lasted three minutes and really just served to set up…




  • Randy Orton defeated Tyson Kidd & Cesaro in a handicap match to retain his #1 contender slot for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Kane set this match up after telling the crowd that The Authority (HHH and Stephanie McMahon) were not in London. Orton needed to win in order to keep his match against Seth Rollins at Extreme Rules...and win he did, with an RKO OUTTA NOWHERE on Kidd as the latter leaped off the top rope, which you think people would know not to do on Orton. Oh well, way to bury your tag team champs, WWE.




  • Dean Ambrose defeated Adam Rose, and Stardust defeated Fandango. *fart noises all around* Glad to see the boredom travels across the pond too.




  • Seth Rollins defeated Kane. This was originally Seth Rollins vs. Dolph Ziggler, but Rollins convinced Corporate Kane to change it, with Kane hinting that he would do what’s best for business. Later on, Daniel Bryan tried to get Kane to not do something dumb like the Fingerpoke of Doom (#TeamHellNoForever). Anyway...the match! Kane laid down for Seth to start, presumably to let the Future of the WWE pick up the easy win...but then he kicked out at two! J&J Security invaded the ring and Kane fought them off, before hitting a pleading Rollins with a Tombstone for the win! Oh, wait, no, then he laid down and moved Seth’s lifeless arm on top of him to pick up the loss. It sounds like a clusterfuck, to be honest.




  • Damien Miz/Sandow defeated The Miz. Man, their WrestleMania match is going to be awesome!




  • Ryback defeated Luke Harper by DQ. Apparently, Harper said fuck this and chucked a piece of the commentary table at Ryback two minutes in, which brought out Ambrose to fight the former Wyatt disciple. What are you doing, WWE?




  • Naomi turns heel, for real. She fake-apologized for attacking Paige before saying it’s “all about me.” I miss AJ already.




  • Dolph Ziggler defeated Neville. Not that it has much competition, but this is reportedly the match of the night. Neville is being thrown into the fire with some of the best in-ring competitors on Raw, which is great news for fans of NXT. Ziggler apparently hit a ZigZag on Neville after the latter got smacked into the ring post, which gives him a good reason for losing (just like last week against Rollins). After the match, Mohawk Sheamus came out and beat down Ziggler. The Intercontinental title picture is a mess. A beautiful mess.




  • Main event: stipulation announced for Seth Rollins vs. Randy Orton at Extreme Rules. It’s a double stipulation! Each competitor picks one. Randy selects “steel cage,” while Seth chooses the infinitely more intriguing “RKO is banned” stipulation. Reminiscent of when Orton’s punt was banned for being too “dangerous” in kayfabe. Speaking of the punt, prepare for at least one tease of it during this. Orton has no other way to win unless he magically debuts a new finisher… Anyway, Orton attacks Rollins but J&J sacrifice themselves so Seth can get away.



And that’s Raw! Tune in for some horrible matches, convoluted segments, and NEVILLE.

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