The Patriots are Super Bowl champs (again) and Tom Brady is the Super Bowl MVP (again) and we had some feelings about that (if you didn't read). But we're willing to wager right here and right now that the New England Patriots WILL NOT repeat as Super Bowl champs next season for reasons that have nothing to do with Tom Brady and everything to do with Bill Belichick.
So who is our favorite to win it all? Well, technically nobody because we came up with completely legit reasons why all 32 squads in the National Football League have absolutely no shot of winning Super Bowl LII. And truth be told, since the game will be played at U.S. Bank Stadium in Minneapolis next year do any of these teams really want to spend a week in February in the middle of the Minnesota winter? We'll wager no.
AFC East - Buffalo Bills
Miami Dolphins
2016 record: 10-6
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 30-1
Why they won’t win it: The cold
The Dolphins can be a contender again next year for a Wild Card spot, but if you think they’re legit Super Bowl threats, in the words of Chad Ochocinco: “Child, please.” Put them against a good team on the road in January (like we saw a month ago) and they collapse worse than the Warriors with a 3-1 lead in the Finals.
New England Patriots
2016 record:14-2
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 5-1
Why they won’t win it: Satan
Because Bill Belichick’s deal with the Devil—you know, the one where he sold his soul for five Super Bowl titles as the Patriots head coach—has to run out at some point.
New York Jets
2016 record: 5-11
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 100-1
Why they won’t win it: Todd Bowles can’t smile
When the head coach of your franchise has the personality of a frozen dinner, you can still overcome that if you have a quarterback (i.e. New England). But since these are the Jets we’re talking about, a franchise whose major QB records are still largely held by a man who played when guys would smoke cigs on the sidelines (i.e. Joe Namath), they’re doomed for another embarrassing season.
AFC North - Baltimore Ravens
2016 record: 8-8
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 20-1
Why they won’t win it: They don’t have an elite quarterback
Joe Flacco, who is about as interesting as a houseplant, has strung together turbulent seasons in three of the last four campaigns. Yeah, that one year they won a Super Bowl. But, you know, so did Trent Dilfer. And Brad Johnson.
Cincinnati Bengals
Cleveland Browns
Pittsburgh Steelers
2016 record: 11-5
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 10-1
Why they won’t win it: Antonio Brown’s social media habits
Crazily, there are rumors the Steelers may deal Antonio Brown because they’re growing old of his antics. So if they keep the best receiver in the NFL you know it’s only a matter of time before Brown posts some wild shit or Periscopes Quintin Miller ghostwriting Le’Veon Bell’s Roger Goodell diss track.
AFC South - Indianapolis Colts
Houston Texans
Jacksonville Jaguars
Tennessee Titans
2016 record: 9-7
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 40-1
Why they won’t win it: Marcus Mariota’s tibia
All jokes aside, this is pretty good value for a squad that flirted with making the playoffs and features a young, dynamic QB. But Mariota’s coming back from the broken leg he suffered at the end of the season so that’s enough of a excuse to throw out the Titans as legit Super Bowl contenders.
AFC West - Denver Broncos
2016 record: 9-7
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 16-1
Why they won’t win it: Offense
The Broncos had the 27th offense last season. To make matters worse, the Broncos have recently hired Mike McCoy to become their offensive coordinator. Hopefully for Broncos fans McCoy learns from his mistakes and doesn’t screw up the Broncos offense like he did to San Diego for the past four years.
Kansas City Chiefs
2016 record: 12-4
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 18-1
Why they won’t win it: Alex Smith's athletic ability
How do you expect someone who can’t even throw a dodgeball to take the Chiefs to the Super Bowl?
Los Angeles Chargers
2016 record: 5-11
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 60-1
Why they won’t win it: The offensive line and the move to LA
The Chargers offensive line gave Philip Rivers, who obviously is known for his mobility, the NFL’s worst 2.45 seconds per attempt. The Chargers have no chance of making it out of the AFC west, which is arguably the hardest and best pass-rushing divisions in the NFL. Plus the move to LA gives the organization more things to worry about, like trying to fill up a 30,000 seat StubHub Center and recruit a new fan base, which they’ll probably fail to do. Hey Dean Spanos, have fun being in a city where nobody wants you.
Oakland Raiders
2016 record: 12-4
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 20-1
Why they won’t win it: Inexperience
Having the second best record in the AFC this past season, the Raiders finally made the playoffs for the first time since 2003. But without Derek Carr playing the game this past playoff doesn’t really count and we have no idea how he’ll handle the pressure of the postseason.
NFC East - Dallas Cowboys
New York Giants
Philadelphia Eagles
Washington Redskins
NFC North - Chicago Bears
2016 record: 3-13
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 100-1
Why they won’t win the Super Bowl: Quarterbacks
Alshon Jeffery guaranteed that the Bears would win the Super Bowl in 2018, but he’s probably still feeling the side effects of the PEDs he got suspended for in the beginning of the season. With no clear answer at QB, (Jay Cutler being trash, Brian Hoyer a free agent, and Matt Barkley at best a No. 2) the Bears are a lost cause.
Detroit Lions
2016 record: 9-7
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 60-1
Why they won’t win it: History and the NFC
The Lions have only won one playoff game since 1970 and they’re going to have to overcome the combination of the Packers, Seahawks, Cowboys, Giants, Falcons, and Vikings next year to make it to the Super Bowl. Good luck with that. And playing on the road in January.
Green Bay Packers
2016 record: 10-6
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 12-1
Why they won’t win it: Rodgers finally runs out of luck
It’s going to come down to the final seconds of the game, and Aaron Rodgers, for the first time in his life, will not connect on a Hail Mary. The horror.
Minnesota Vikings
2016 Record: 8-8
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 20-1
Why they won’t win the Super Bowl: Who's under center?
Minneapolis hosts the Super Bowl and the Vikings sure as hell won't become the first team to play in their own stadium in the Big Game. Teddy Bridgewater reportedly isn't going to be available for the 2017 season. So that means another year with questions at quarterback. Are Vikings fans ready for another dose of Sam Bradford?
NFC South - Atlanta Falcons
2016 record: 11-5
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 12-1
Why they won’t win it: Super Bowl LI PTSD
The Falcons, returning with their core players, will make it to Super Bowl LII only to have PTSD and blow the game in the second half. Just like they blew a 25-point lead Sunday.
Carolina Panthers
2016 record: 6-10
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 20-1
Why they won’t win it: Cam Newton's new touchdown celebration
The dab and all of Cam Newton’s other celebrations will be outdated next season so he'll create something new and rack up so many fines from Roger Goodell that the league will suspend him for the remainder of the season, thus making him ineligible for the playoffs and crushing any chances of the Panthers even reaching the Super Bowl.
New Orleans Saints
2016 record: 7-9
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 60-1
Why they won’t win it: Voodoo/old age
The Saints have never won fewer than seven games with Drew Brees as QB, but after throwing for at least 4,300 yards for 11 straight season, this will finally be the year that his bionic shoulder breaks down—either from old age or from some New Orleans voodoo doctor fed up with with another mediocre Saints season.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
2016 record: 9-7
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 30-1
Why they won’t win it: Seafood
Someone will bribe Jameis Winston to blow a game for free crab legs.
NFC West - Arizona Cardinals
2016 record: 7-8-1
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 20-1
Why they won’t win it: Pottsville Curse
The Pottsville Curse still haunts the Cardinals, more than 90 years later. The city of Pottsville put a hex on the team after the NFL ended up crowning the then Chicago Cardinals champions of the 1925 season. The team seems to still be cursed, even in Arizona, since the Cards were one of the heavy favorites in 2016, but limped to the finish line. Unless the NFL returns the 1925 championship to the Pottsville Maroons, the Cardinals will not win the Super Bowl.
Los Angeles Rams
San Francisco 49ers
2016 record: 2-14
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 300-1
Why they won’t win it: Rebuilding
With the rise of the Raiders and Warriors in the Bay Area it only makes sense that the 49ers are struggling. It’s like an unspoken rule in sports: There has to be at least one garbage team in every city each season.
Seattle Seahawks
2016 record: 10-5
Odds to win Super Bowl LII: 12-1
Why they won’t win it: Offensive line
The Seahawks haven’t been the same since Beast Mode literally hung up his cleats, but the crappy offensive line hasn’t helped matters much. At least Pete Carroll now has an excuse when he doesn’t run the ball in the most obvious of situations.
