All of the Kneejerk Feels to Justin Bieber's Insane Short Film for His New Cologne

A few days ago, Justin Bieber put out a short film for his new cologne, which is called "The Key." Fashion films are pretty much always ridiculous, but this one has Justin Bieber, and so is more outrageous than most other films out there. Right from the start, it was pretty obvious that this was going to elicit some great reactions, and so to take a break from his sexy Brazilian adventures and new music, we jotted down kneejerk impressions to three and a half minutes of Belieber fantasies and phallic symbols. Scroll through to check out "First Reactions to Justin Beiber's Insane Short Film for His New Cologne," and see if you're thinking the same way.

(0:37) Essence de Bieber...

(0:47) Only a few seconds in and we already have our first incredibly phallic-looking object.

(1:03) This man must hate Justin Bieber so, so much. Look at the burning contempt in his sunken eyes, and the humiliation he's already feeling for having to wear a dumb hat in the name of helping Biebz make millions.

(1:08) Justin Bieber's cologne watches you sleep, girl.

(1:11) They're not even being subtle with this one. That is some straight-up sex symbolage. Wait, so Bieber got the key to a girl's room from the bell boy downstairs? Shit's getting creepy.

(1:16) Bieber, if you keep furrowing your brow like this, the next product you're gonna have to endorse is some dome-wrinkle cream. 

(1:25) Biebz just took a dump in the ice machine. Run!

(1:31) Ha! Where the fuck are they, and what the fuck could he possibly be pointing at?

(1:34) The answer to my question is a dead, stuffed giraffe.

(1:41) Bieber looks worried, like whatever he's running from might catch up to him. Is it general responsibility? A moral compass? The security guards who found his turd in the ice machine? The girl on the other hand looks stoked cause she's about to bone down and potentially make coin off her sex-tales.

(1:46) Seriously, bruh. You're about to have forehead labia.

(1:52) Oh dip, onto shorty #2?

(2:06) Justin Bieber uses mascara.

(2:15) Bahahahahahahahaha!

(2:23) Hoop earring count: 1.

(2:32) Girl #3 knows that Bieber's key watches her sleep, and she is frightened.

(2:37) Sleaze-ber (eh) gives the hotel guy a wink, smugly heading off to Pound Town. This shit is just too creepy. I want it to end.

(2:53) Uh, alright. Guess Girl #3's fantasy is to develop adult onset diabetes with her beloved Biebz.

(2:55) More door sex!

(3:01) Now envisioning explaining to the Apple Genius that I vomited on my keyboard. 

(3:12) Someone do something with this on Photoshop.

(3:19) He knots his brow in his sleep?

(3:32) Thank Christ, am I right?