What Your Moustache Says About You

Image via Complex Original

Proprietors: Prince, John Waters, Inigo Montoya, Clark Gable, Gomez Addams

If, by some miracle, you can pull it off, it’s because you have it. The swagger. The je-ne-sais-quoi. You look smashing in all sorts of suits, and you probably have incredible hair to match your exquisite moustache. You’re likely either a retired bullfighter or a fencing champion, or simply wise beyond your years.

Proprietors: Ron Swanson, Ron Burgundy, Tom Selleck, Teddy Roosevelt

The owner of the SMM is most likely an avid outdoorsman with many talents such as canoe making and bear wrestling. His thick, luxurious upper-lip carpet, while impressive and with its very own intoxicating pheromones, pales in comparison to the furry sea of chest hair that’s just straining to come out from beneath his weathered flannel. This is the type of man who really knows how to make a woman weak in the knees with his rugged, effortless good looks and rippling muscles.

Proprietors: William Howard Taft, Rollie Fingers, Salvador Dali

Hey there, stranger. Your moustache is straight regal. Anyone with the nerve and stamina to groom such a showy coiffure is winning in my book. Even if it looks ridiculous (and it probably does), you own it, rock it, love it, and most importantly, style it. You probably hand-craft your own artisanal moustache wax in your Steampunk-themed workshop. It’s also possible that you’re a dwarf from Middle-earth and you’re friends with Gandalf, which would be very, very rad.

Proprietors: Hulk Hogan, John Travolta, Danny Trejo, Ice-T, Genghis Khan

On the one hand, you clearly understand the value of your facial hair and the importance of styling your blessing. On the other hand, this is what you come up with? Considering your bold and ridiculous choice, you probably drive a yellow sports car and wear Ed Hardy. But if you think you can pull it off, hats off to you.

Proprietors: Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Justin Bieber, James Franco

I really do find it unfortunate that otherwise attractive men can quickly rocket to the top of Mount Creepy with their genetic inability to grow enough hair on their upper lip. But while that baby face looks great on you, it’s Movember, so take one for the team and feel empowered looking completely ridiculous. At the end of the day, it’s that self-confidence that I’m attracted to in the first place.