Cardinal Office Style Sins Every Guy Should Avoid

Just because you're a cog in soulless machine, trapped behind the monotonous beige walls of your cubicle, with only shitty motivational posters and one-a-day cartoon calendars to give you solace doesn't mean that you have to look bad. Of course, it isn't easy to look your best in cubicle-wear. Every industry has different standards that they expect workers to adhere to, and though they vary widely, from marketing firm business casual to insurance salesman suit-you-wear-to-a-funeral chic, these standards have a way of cramping your style.

Whether you work in a stuffy shirt-and-tie environment or a "cool job" where sandals-and-smugness suffice, there are some key style sins that every man should avoid when figuring out how to dress for workplace success. They say "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." We can't necessarily help you there, but we can at least help you avoid workplace embarrassment with your threads, and limit your shame to where it usually comes from: your performance. Here are Cardinal Office Style Sins Every Guy Should Avoid.

If you want to wear lose fitting dress clothes, then god bless your Talking Heads looking ass.

Just don't be the dude trying to tuck his billowy shirt into reasonably fitted pants. If you look in the mirror and realize that your fashion influences are boat sails and parachutes, slim down that cut. If you've developed a little spare tire as a result of eating your insecurities, it's okay to go with a looser shirt, just make sure you've got a place to stash that excess fabric.

Just because a shirt has a collar doesn't mean it's office-appropriate. If the shirt you're wearing could be described as "shiny:"

or if the cut is so slim that it looks like an appropriate costume for a professional wrestler:

then it's time to rethink your office garb. Just like nobody wants to be near the dude wearing a suit at the bar, nobody wants to be seen with a guy who looks like he's trying to get bottle service at the water cooler. Never mix business and pleasure, especially when it comes to dress shirts.

Gentlemen, your tie is not a phallic symbol. Size isn't a priority. Don't be the guy with his tie hanging down well past his belt. Restrain yourself from purchasing ties so thick that they would make a fine cravat. A good tie should pop, pulling your ensemble together. A good tie doesn't beg for attention like you did when your girl studied abroad in France. 

You may not be gifted with the looks of Zach Efron, but you can at least aspire to wear a tie as well as he does.

You rarely see these shoes in the wild outside of middle-school picture day and high school class president stump speeches, but lesser department stores across this great land continue to sell them, so some consenting adults must be buying them. Stop. Even those of you who don't care much about footwear can probably agree that the boxy aesthetic went out with Howard Hughes.

And please don't make us warn you again.

You've seen them. At Kohl's, at Macy's, at Men's Wearhouse: you've seen them. You seen them wrapped in plastic and boxed for display, and that's where they should stay, never to be purchased. These well meaning department stores offer shirt and tie combos meant for the man who knows nothing of color coordination. If you buy a pink or green shirt and the accompanying tie has pink or green in it, it won't clash. You have to hold yourself to higher standards than this. Don't simply settle for a tie that doesn't clash, look for a tie that compliments your ensemble. Odds are that your taste is better than that of the department store powers that be. 

Remember, Dwight Schrute is not your style icon.

We usually think about style in terms of what you see. We shouldn't forget that what you look like won't matter too much to those potential workplace romances if what you smell like is a problem. In the age of AXE Body Spray, many men have been conducting an all-out war on the nasal cavities of those around them. It has become desirable in some circles to smell like a cross between your grandfather at a wedding and a sailor cruising for tail on shore leave. Don't be the next in a long line of men who think that as long as their preferred fragrance is fragrant it isn't a flagrant office style foul.

"A couple spritzes," "a light splash:" these are the kinds of phrases you hear most often with regard to correct cologne application. No matter how you describe it, the point is the same: a little goes a long way. And then there's the matter of scent. A bad cologne is always worse than no cologne at all. If you have extra funds to be throwing at scented oils, make it count. If you're going to pay for cologne, pay a little more for good cologne. 

Most importantly, bring someone with you who you trust when picking out a new fragrance.

Better to get a harsh dose of honesty when you're checking out samples than to end up with an expensive bottle that's only good for bathroom decoration.

The days of middle school dances are behind you. Dress like it. There was a time when pleated pants were cool, but that was also an era when everyone watched The Lawrence Welk Show and voter suppression was a lot easier for rich white men to get away with. Right now, pleated pants are only fashionable when worn by Brooklynite fashionistas

​So, if you aren't a female interested in forming an indie-folk duo that will play local coffee shops, save the pleated pants for the country club.

We'll leave you with a final note on casual office attire. Just because it's okay to wear a t-shirt to work doesn't mean it's okay to wear any t-shirt to work. Wearing that graphic tee from Spencer's might not be the best way to endear yourself to female co-workers or clients.

Even if you live in one of the our country's beautiful liberal enclaves, why risk putting off a closet conservative by wearing that shirt you bought when you still thought Obama could change things?

And in the age of the Internet, you never know when you could suddenly find yourself in the public eye:

Just because e you can sometimes wear whatever you want in a 21st-Century workplace doesn't mean that you should. Individual expression is an essential American freedom, but it is also one that can be restrained when you have the opportunity to impress people who give you money. 

And once you bank that cash and get that 401K on lock, you can wear whatever dumb shirt you want.